schizophrenic maybe

Hello, my name is Sarah, and sometimes I have no clue who I really am.

The "most-days me" loves serving coffee, is sometimes witty and often blunt, can binge-watch fun TV shows for days, loves chocolate more than anyone should, and seems to always have a checklist of to-dos in hand.

But then....

Some days I think maybe the real me is quieter, less sarcastic, a better listener, dreams more often, worries less, detests TV and spends all her time outdoors sketching flowers and thinking deeply. She's always kind and gentle and is never out of place riding a bicycle with a kitten in the basket.

Some days the real me is from another time. Jane Austen and Downton Abby feel like home (the downstairs though, because let's be at least a little realistic). Barring time travel, all I need is a huge antique store and some friends to invite over for tea. Needlework and dances at the town hall are the name of the game.

Some days I see myself working in a garden, listening to folk music, tending chickens and flour-dusted from breadmaking. I spend my days simply, enjoying our little seaside home inside an old lighthouse. It's sort of isolated and quiet but the view and nearby town are lovely. (This is an actual lifelong dream of mine - no mocking)

Some days I live on a horse ranch in Montana, making a living off refinishing furniture and Etsy.
Some days we're in a tiny studio apartment in the heart of a big city, two farmers markets within walking distance. Maybe in Europe.

Some days I picture our home well-kept and always entertaining friends, visions of dining tables with beautiful linens and carefully chosen centerpieces dance in my head.
Some days I long for a drafty old farmhouse with chipped, mismatching china. It's a bit messy but lovely and inviting with a year-round fireside glow.

How do I know which of these people is me? Are they all solid contenders for the future or will I end up as some weird amalgam all crammed into one? Do I just have a seriously overactive imagination? Am I glimpsing myself in parallel universes, the fate of which lies in the minute decisions I make today -- buy a cantaloupe, change your fate, that kind of thing? I doubt it.

Sometimes I feel like I have no clue who I am, but other times I feel like trying to change the little things (like being a little less sarcastic, maybe...just an random example - cough cough) is just as impossible as knowing the future.
I trust that God has an amazing plan for me and for our little family. I'm not worried because I know whatever the outcome, it's going to be great.

Mostly, I wonder, does everyone feel like this sometimes or is it just me?

1 comment:

  1. I think there is a bit of a misconception that "who you are" as a personality is developed in your teenage years, and adulthood is merely the time to manifest "who you are." The book reading teen turns into the writer/librarian who lives in expensive but dingy and tiny downtown apartment. I thought I knew who I was in my twenties--but guess what? I didn't. Much of my personality remains, but a lot of it has changed. Moving away from the family unit will do that, and so will marriage. Being tried by difficult events will bring out who you really are, and what you really want to be. At different phases, Steve and I wanted to live in a tiny apartment above a downtown store. Steve would build frames and sell bikes and I would write behind the counter, coming to be his help mate when the store was busy. At another phase, we wanted to live in the boonies of Ohio, Steve still building frames out of a barn while I wrote and cared for our garden, goats, and chickens. You can clearly see what changed and what remains the same. So no, it's not just you. Many, if not all, of us dream about the fantastic possibilities that are the future. It's good to dream. It's what gets most of us out of the bed in the morning, being who we are and slowly changing day after day. But the trick is to be content with the day you have before you. Tomorrow is never concrete and who you will be doesn't exist yet. It's the moment we're in--and the person we are in that moment--that is the most precious, because it's what is really real.

    LOVED your post!!! Mostly when I read this, I thought, "She would make a good story writer." All your future scenarios would make good settings! :P


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